Everyone loves food, guys. EVERYONE. So I wrote an open letter to The Food Network because FOOD. Bon appetit!
Dear Food Network,
First of all, bravo. Bravo on making the best channel on planet Earth. An entire NETWORK devoted to nothing but food?!?! It’s an American dream! It’s THE true American Dream if you ask me. Who doesn’t love food? NO ONE THAT’S WHO CUZ IT’S FOOD DAMN IT AND IT’S DELICIOUS. The best part about The Food Network is that all the chefs give zero sh*ts about diet. For example, Giada De Laurentiis is gonna make some tasty a$$ pasta dish that’s probably loaded with calories but she doesn’t care because she does whatever the hell she wants. I respect that. I could, however, do without her crazy eyes and shark mouth on occasion but, to each their own. I’ll always love you Giada, don’t worry your little T-Rex arms.
My favorite show of all time on The Food Network is Unwrapped. You used to play Unwrapped constantly and now it’s only on at like 11:30 am which isn’t exactly convenient for me seeing as I do in fact have a real job (I don’t just write sassy blog posts about random shiz all day, geez). Maybe we can pull back on the Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives marathons and throw Unwrapped a few bones again. Mark Summers is one sexy silver fox and I need more of him and his incredibly annoying voice-over inflections in my life. It’s what the world wants Food Network, please just let it happen. More silver fox Mark Summers and less of terrifying orange ghost Guy Fieri, pls.
I have to confess here Food Network, Barefoot Contessa is an extremely guilty pleasure of mine. Ina Garten is an irritating smiley gnome in a denim button down but damn it if I don’t love the crap out of her. She makes some of the most delicious looking food, all for her “husband” Jeffrey. I say “husband” because I highly doubt that they sleep in the same bed or have ever seen each other naked (at least not sober). All joking aside (kind of…she still has the overly happy demeanor reminiscent of a person hopped up on painkillers), I will always watch Barefoot Contessa no matter how much Ina’s awkward giggling makes my skin crawl. It’s just good food television and no one can turn that down.
I love most of your other shows, Restaurant Impossible, Chopped, Cupcake Wars, Halloween Wars, Food Network Challenge, The Best Thing I Ever Ate, etc. etc. etc., but if you bring more Unwrapped back into the mix, we have a lifetime watch deal for eternity.
Before I go, I would like a formal apology for this OUTRAGEOUS AND NEARLY UNFORGIVABLE MISTAKE:
My digital food coma love,
Fraisia W. Logan